Bollywood

Worst commercials featuring Bollywood stars

2008-09-20T22:01:00.000-07:00

There are plenty of bad commercials featuring bollywood stars (Govinda & Navranta Oil, Sunny Deol & Lux Cozy) but those are things i can expect from them.

So i am picking the ones which mostly inspire me to say WTF is he doing this for or plain WTF.

Brand : Navaranta Hair Oil or Head Oil
Star : Amitabh Bacchan
How Bad : ***

I am surprised with the Big B doing this commercial, i dont understand why he has hired monkeys to do his marketing deals. The Big B is a big brand and should stick to some quality products.

The brand is playing to the Bhojpuri crowd but they could have saved 99.98% of their money by hiring a cab driver to do this one.

Brand : Big Bazaar
Star : Mahendra Singh Dhoni
How Bad : ******

Wow, it must be raining cheapness because the captain of India has completely forgotten all about class and gone straight for the back benches with this one. No style, no substance, no production values just money (that too only for MSD)
i wonder who is representing him as well. they couldn't get Brioni or fucking Raymonds to sponsor him? he had to be the face of Big Bazaar ??? he is the captain of India for fucks sake, show him some respect!

Brand : Hero Honda
Star : Hrithik Roshan, Priyanka Chopra
How Bad : ********* to Infinity

Okay, someone please tell me what the fuck this ad is about? I don't get it!
Hritik jumps out of a chopper (good thing idiots cant afford choppers or they would try this at home) then he rides a yellow bike ahead of black bikes (so the yellow ones are faster?)
he then proceeds to sing the gayest song ever and Priyanka Chopra sings along as well(what the fuck is she doing here? she does not ride a bike, merely gyrates)

I bet the Creative brief was how can we rip off Hero Honda for a gazillion dollars and then masturbate all over the tv space with it.

Hack Film Directors

2008-09-19T03:05:00.000-07:00

The original Hollywood hack is Joel Schumacher the man who single handedly destroyed the Batman franchise (thank god for that) A hack in my opinion is someone who churns out film after film that on the surface make you think that they might be of some substance but when you look deeper they are fairly generic, phoned in creations (Ridley Scott is fast walking this line)

In Bollywood we have completely done away with any semblance of quality and focus completely on simply churning em out.

Lets begin

David Dhawan
The original hack, 40 films since 1989 he was busted for being a charlatan when his partnership with Govinda tanked and he had to go back to the drawing board. Until then he was making some truly atrocious, brain dead, lewd films. It seems his connections seem to keep him in business his latest hit was a rip off of Hitch.

Priyadarshan
The current king of the hill when it comes to volume with 62 films since 1984. His movies are watered down comedies, some so watered down that it seems the director himself forgets what he set out to make and half way loses the plot, interest and the audience. Except for the one Hera Pheri, he has seemingly done thing nothing half way acceptable. Each film has the same theme and he churns them out by the dozen and it truly leads to a scenario of half baked films. I think Hera Pheri worked because he was probably focusig on one film at one time. Add to that idiots who hired him to make 11 films, hah - he will finish that contract in a week.

Sanjay Gupta
10 films since 1994, not so much a hack as a plagiarist. He has been single handedly responsible for changing where we steal from. While most film makers were stealing from Hollwyood, Sanjay went East and stole from Hong Kong & Korea. He is also Apoorva Lakhias mentor and that pretty much sums up his style (rent DVD, copy, copy, film) Even hacks i reckon can come up with something worthwhile but Mr.Gupta has done nothing of merit (Kaante was just okay, Musafir was terrible) I dont understand how he keeps himself in business.

Vikram Bhatt
A truly atrocious film maker, pretentious beyond belief and unoriginal beyond acceptablity. 21 film since 1992 and not one of merit. The only thing he can get credit for in my opinion is pulling some hot babes like Sushmita Sen & Amisha Patel (i like her, no matter what anyone says) but when it comes to making movies he is fucking terrible. He rips of Hollywood films and then presents them with some fake ass gravitas to make it look like his film is of some substance. Other times when he goes the other way and tries to come up with something on his own its either untolerable (Speed) or plain badly put together (again Speed leads a long list)

The one film that was above average was Ghulam which had Aamir khan playing Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront. Probably salvaged only because of AK.

The worst wigs in bollywood history & the men who wore them

2008-09-17T21:11:00.000-07:00

While channel hopping last night i came on to a hit 70's film and one of the worst wigs ever crafted, it got me wondering were there others, would i be able to find them.

Well there are and i was.

Film : Jaan Se Pyaara (1992)
Wig Man - Govinda

Usually when you talk about bollywood and are looking for a worst list, chances are Govinda is bound to show up on them. However in this one he shows up twice for the same movie. Govinda plays the dual role of a cop and his under developed younger brother (they ripped of Rain Man where they could) though which one is which is hard to tell because they both seem equally stupid. Hence the wigs.
To set the too apart the younger, less intelligent brother wears a wig made by the blind which works nicely as only someone half baked would wear a wig like that. The older supposedly more intelligent brother wears a wig with a life of its own. It points to a North - South/East-West axis depending on the shot. I can bet you $2 that there is no fucking way you can tell me which one is smarter by looking at it!

Film : Shaadi Se Pehle (2006)
Wig Man : Akshay Khanna

Akshay Khanna wears a wig so amazing that both Ayesha Takia & Mallika Sherawat spend their time running after him trying to figure out what lives beneath it.

Apparently even the actor was not keen on the ridiculous wig but the producer Mr.Ghai insisted he wear it (apparently he cleared millions of dollars in bets that he could make an actor wear it throughout a film)

Fortunately for Mr.Khanna the film flopped and no one remembers the ridiculous wig.

Movie : Yaadon Ki Baraat (1973)
Wig man : Dharamendra

The fact that this movie was a hit is testament to how many partially blind folk live in this country, its a problem that needs to be addressed.

In this film Dharamendra plays a small time crook looking for his long lost brothers, a job made difficult by the piece he wears in this film as no one wants to stand next to him, let alone count him as family.

Interestingly his wig is the father of the wig Govinda wore in the movie mentioned above.

Bollywood films that could be remade in Hollywood

2008-09-11T14:30:00.000-07:00

Parinda 1989
Dir: Vidhu Vinod Chopra
The original gritty underworld film, the best in the genre so far from our shores. True cinema, a film with a story, characters as well as flaws. If you look at it now you can still see where Ram Gopal Verma gets his world from. Unlike an RGV gangster flick though Parinda has a more poignant (or melodramatic) story and a visual look that tells the story. Each character minor or major holds weight, a true team effort between cast & crew.
Not that there arent flaws, the songs mostly were pointless but such is the pressure of commerical cinema. However it is an original product, something we are not very well known for.

Hollywood Take : This could so easily be a brilliant film in the hands of someone like Antoine Fuqua or Martin Scorcese (ideally Sergio Leone but he is long gone) set in South Central LA or the Mafia. Might have to tone down the melodrama but there is serious potential here. Something slightly similar was done with State of Grace starring Sean Penn (ripped off by Sanjay Gupta in parts for Aatish & Vikram Bhatt for Footpath)

Kala Patthar 1979
Dir : Yash Chopra

A diasaster epic, another original plot, well written powerful characters, Amitabh Bacchan has the best part as a dishonored navy man looking for redemption ably supported by other lead as well as supporting cast.

Set in a mine which is about to get flooded, the film introduces the characters and then goes onto shove them into the flooding mine. It is flawed, too many characters, too many cinematic cliches (floating helmets, immediately followed by floating cards to signify the drowned) the flooding sequences are not very well shot but considering how polished we were in 1979, i dont blame them much.

Hollywood Take : The film has serious potential, if not as a major Hollywood release probably as a tv film. You could easily find a bunch of big names past their Hollywood career and churn out a highly rated weekend film. It has all kinds of themes, redemption, love, anger, confrontation. I doubt even Hollywood could churn it out this good.

Hatya
Dir: Kirti Kumar

No this is not a joke. Hatya comes from a time when Bollywood films were at their nadir, the 1980's. Made on a relatively lower budget the film has several points of the ridiculous (Govinda's dancing, the vase in the MIDDLE of the room, them running into the kids aunt, govinda falling in love with her)

It also comes across as having very 'south indian' elements in terms of its kitcshiness (music, sound, imagery, color schemes)

However the story is rock solid, a dead kid witnesses a murder of an unfaithful wife and her lover and in turn becomes hunted as well. His mother ends up as a victim and he is all alone, in this state he is found by an alchoholic painter who has lost his family in an accident. They form a bond and the rest is the story of them finding the murderers etc.

This is probably a fluke for all involved as none of them made a half way decent film again (actors & directors)

Hollywood Take : This has the potential to go mainstream albeit on a lower budget. No need to go flash dance on this. It could be a story driven film with someone who has the acting chops to put forth.

Worst Bollywood films every made

2008-09-04T02:16:00.000-07:00

Now this list will be debatable and i have spent some time thinking about it and considered quite a few things before actually putting pen to paper. It is not hard to make bad movies in this country therefore the criteria has to be stringent. Ample budget a name director and a big cast.

LOC (2003)
Director : J.P.Dutta
Budget : INR 40 Crore ($10million)
After making the half baked, jingoistic but ultimately successful Border J P Dutta was further encouraged to go ahead and try his hand at raping the Indian army again through LOC (Line of Control) A rambling epic crammed full of stars, explosions and very little perspective. I especially love how the opposing sides have time to mother fucking sing. There is absolutely no merit in the film, putting in big names and filming them acting like nincompoops does not equal a film. I dont understand what happened to the JP Dutta who made Hathyar.

Verdict : I just love the smell of bullshit in the morning.

Shootout at Lokhandwala (2007)
Director : Apoorva Lakhia
Budget: INR 18 Crore ($6.5Million)
Shootout at Lokhandwal had incredible promise, a film based on true events, an opportunity to delve into the first big gangland shooting, cracking promise of action & drama. Instead we got a of scenes ripped from Heat, American History X, Saving Private Ryan, Untouchables, Goodfellas. Add to this a stellar star cast who have to act out this monstrosity. Despite having all the advantages, the director couldn't present a semblance of a film. Sanjay Gupta claims it as a matter of pride that he ghost directed this film. Just goes to show what an idiot he is.

Verdict : One can accuse Apoorva Lakhia of many things but you cant accuse of him of origniality or being a film maker.

Main Prem Ki Diwani Hu
Director : Sooraj Barjatya
Budget : Probably INR 15 - 20 Cr.

Take a director well known for his family entertainers, let him put together a coup in getting three major stars (though just before they all got hot) AB, HR, KK and put them in a love triangle. There was plenty of scope for entertainment but what we get is a ridiculous film with absolutely no head or tail. A badly animated CG parrot, actors who are absolutely uncomfortable with each other and joint families that only live in Ekta Kapoor land & voila you have a worst films contender.

Verdict : A clusterfuck !

Clerk (1989)
Director : Manoj Kumar
Budget : N/A

A film of mythic stature when it comes to how bad it is. This is a great example of everything wrong with Indian cinema in the 1980's. Looks like the film was made over the course of 3-4 years and it is so bad its fucking good. Ed Wood on his best day wished he could make something like this. Just for the record when this film was released the director and star was 52 and he is shown to be in college along with Rekha. The film and a film maker are completely out of touch with reality. Atrocious dialogue, ridiculous scenes, continuity lapses, there is just nothing this film has done that anyone else can out do.

Verdit : Gold medalist bad.

Jaani Dushman (2002)
Dir : Raj Kumar Kohli
Budget : INR 12 Crore.

In this film, Raj Kumar Kohli the maker of the original star studded hit Jani Dushman & Nagin went out and tried to re-launch (or fob off) his son Arman Kohli as Munish Kohli. The change in name, the anti hero terminator meets the matrix meets mission impossible rip off the bad contact lenses still cannot hide how bad he is as an actor. I know wood that is more expressive than this dude.

The film is a rehash of RKK's old hit Nagin suitably updated to modern times where a icchadari snake couple is cursed and must live apart, fuck it. the story is not really relevant

We have Akshay Kumar, Sunil Shetty (who at the time was 42) as students of a college, i wonder what fucking college they are in because i know PHD students 20 years younger. Anyone stuck in their university for this long ought to die just like they do in the film. Sunny Deol suitably is an ex-student (at 50+ he is of course no spring chicken)

There is a chosen set of B-grade actors, tv types and all in all losers. The maker spent so much money on the actors and cheap special fx that he coudlnt really hire any known actresses except Manisha Koirala who in her attempt to save herself from her 'barbadi' commits suicide much in the same way as her career did right after the film released.

My fav is Raj Babbar who hands out a hilarious little amulet to protect the lot, its actually a cross, om sigh and the kalima in gold on a chain (a truly secular message for one and all) he also goes around officiating on boxing matches, sitting in on computer labs, as well as being a master of parapscychology. He also has a tendency to say 'Are you okaaay maiii baaai'

The film has practically no redeeming factors, except that it is made on a reasonably big budget, has a focus on special fx but none on story, plot, logic originality. The film makers have no sense of embarassment either.

Verdict : So bad its good.

Om Jai Jagdsh
Dir : Anupam Kher
Budget : 12 Crore
Mr. Kher reckoned he knew enough about acting to go out and make movies himself. So he went out hired some big stars, even got a golden oldie actress and some allright actresses. He built a plot fraught with melodrama Ekta Kapoor emotions and a completely 1980s Mithun / Rajnikanth esque plot.

I wish he had spent some more time with the writer fleshing out the plot and working with some film makers to flesh out the film. Nothing in this film is remotely entertaining or endearing. More like a soap about a bitchy wife, joint family, big ass bungalow in Juhu (here is a hint, sell the fucking thing and build a building)

No wonder it was such a colossal flop.

Verdict : Pretentious bullshit masquerading as entertainment.

Your picks?